strangest dream

--- journal entry for march 28th 2008 ---

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I was in my hometown, in pasir mas and I was walking to the local madrasah to pray margrib. As the madrasah become closer and closer, I felt my feet being heavier and heavier. I tried to walk faster because I want to be able to pray in the front saf but my legs become heavier and heavier. I tried to run and I tried so hard, it’s so excruciatingly exhausting. Then I puked out of pain and muscle exhaustion. It was so tiring, I was breathing heavily and sweating like I’m doing a 100km marathon in the middle of the sahara desert. Finally, I arrived at the madrasah, and my exhausted legs couldn’t hold me anymore so I fell on the steps; I was so close; so I crawl into the madrasah; my hands were shaking out of exhaustion. Other people just look at me and keep walking into the madrasah.

Then my emotions take a sharp turn from feeling tormented by exhaustion, to feeling joy and happiness of my success. I made it. I made it on time. I was so happy. I looked up and I could see everybody else in the madrasah were smiling. They were smiling at me. I was so relieved, and happy. My shoulder blades felt lighter.

Then, without any explanation, my chest felt like it was filled with thick black smoke; it was very uncomfortable. My head felt heavy, my chest is about to explode. Then I cried.

I cried. I cried. I cried.

My heart is breaking. So I cried. The pain is not in my leg muscle, but deep inside my heart. So I cried. I bit my lips and grind my teeth so hard because I was crying. I cried so hard, it’s difficult to breathe. I lost control of my own emotions.

I could feel that each drop of tear brings along with them an ounce of the negative energy that was overwhelming me from the inside of my chest, flowing through my sore throat and out of my eyes. My chest felt lighter as I continue to cry.

Then, I woke up. My eyes felt very warm. Real tears are running down my cheek. I was crying in my dream; and I’m crying in real life. I don’t know that the human tear is as warm as this. I tried to stop crying because I got no reason to cry; but I just couldn’t stop. It’s very confusing, and I started to freak out. I was crying more than I was crying in my dream.

In the middle of this confusion and flow of warm tears, I thought to myself: “Holy Shit. I am crying! This is fucking amazing!”. The last time I cried was when I was 13 years old, inside the school madrasah; so it has been a long, long time. That was ten years ago.

This is such a rare occasion, so I took my camera and started to take pictures of me crying. Tears were dropping onto my lap, but I felt nothing now. No sadness, no pain, no joy, nothing. It seems like I have drained my emotions through gallons of tears. I just pushed the shutter button several times until I stopped crying.

I was able to took 18 pictures until I stopped crying; but only 3 of those shots were of me crying. The rest of the pictures are useless because my hands were so shaky, I kept capturing the ceiling and the back wall. Out of the 3, only one picture has perfect focus; the other 2 were too blurry that it’s hard to notice the tears running down my cheek.

All this crying is robbing me of my energy. So I decided to get back to sleep. Plus, maybe I could continue my dream and find out exactly why I cried. I took a long piss and went back to bed. It’s so cold that morning that my warm piss turned into steam. It smelled pretty bad.

Why am I sharing this with you?  You might ask. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know. Maybe because I thought that it would be cool. Or maybe I’m just concerned. What if this dream, my tears, has some meaning? A message for me; a warning about something. A reminder. I will never know the answers to these questions.

Or maybe I do.

Fuck it. I don’t believe in that bullshit. If dreams have even an ounce of relevance to real life, I’d be the luckiest human being among men with a healthy dick. I tried to console myself by saying that; I'm trying to push away the negativity surrounding my consciousness. I was supposed to be strong.

Mimpi tu mainan setan.

p/s: I don’t really remember what I dreamt about when I went back to sleep. It’s just some random wet dream, nothing special.