halal sex is better than zina

[WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS VULGAR LANGUAGE AND SOME SERIOUSLY FUCKED-UP CONTENT ESPECIALLY ABOUT SEX; YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED]

Today I’m going to talk about the dilemma faced by some malay muslim couples who is studying overseas while being supported by a sponsorship: they love each other and want to get married but their contract with their sponsors prohibited this. I know this is not a rare case, and it is surely one topic that is interesting to talk about.

I fully understand why these sponsors ruled such agreement on their contracts. They pay money to the students so that they could focus on studying. The sponsors are concerned that if they got married, their focus on studying would plummeted and all they would do is sex sex sex sex sex sexxx xxx xxx every minute of God’s given time; and according to what I read from [The Guide to Violent Children], sex could lead to babies and babies would lead to bigger responsibility that might suffocate the minds of a young couple who are still studying.

Kahwin untuk menjauhi maksiat.

A signed contract cannot be changed, but the problem is: What if the guy cannot bear being patient anymore? What if everytime he catches the sweet smell of her girlfriend’s beautiful skin under those hijab, a sudden rush of blood to his nuclear missile occurs? What if everytime they’re on a date, he can’t help but imagine himself kissing her collar bone and sucking her bubble-gum tongue? He constantly wonders whether she would be aroused by just being sniffed at for 5 minutes while she is naked sitting on his computer chair. What if he cannot control his mini-me anymore when he is with her, especially when she’s licking a lollipop in her right hand and a vanilla ice-cream cone on the other? Yes, my muslim friends, satan is a creative bastard.

My point is that these creative thinking sponsored by satan, although harmless, possesses a great deal of danger of the guy going out of control and finally blowing his load, in and all around her kitty cage. Zina. Adultery.

Of course you could advice the guy to pray more seriously, be more pious and even leave her girlfriend all together; but what if it’s beyond prevention? Clearly it is better for them to get married, and have (protected) sex as much as they wanted. Halal sex is always better than zina. I am totally against the cock-blocking movement.

So finally they decided to get married secretly so that the sponsor doesn’t know. Breaking a contract is a big risk, but getting permission from their parents is another problem.

Most parents would surely be against these marriages; they want their daughters to finish their studies first before allowing one young men to break their precious princess's hymen layer. This is very understandable. They don’t want their daughter to ❤❤❤❤ and ❥❥❥❥ and ♡♡♡♡ everynight and ended up with several kids, thus making it hard for her to focus on her studies. Pretty acceptable reason right?

So how do you reason with such parents?

It’s easy. Tell them that you promise to wear condoms, 2 condoms at the same time everytime you want to nail their daughter. Problems solved! Yay! If the parent is still stubborn, give them a telephone call and say this:

IF YOU’RE AGAINTS THIS MARRIAGE, I WILL MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED ANYWAYS BUT BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A STUBBORN ASSHOLE, I’M GOING TO FUCK YOUR DAUGTER IN HER ASSHOLE AND SEND YOU THE PICTURES! HOW ABOUT THAT?

Of course, you should only use that line during extreme conditions, when all form of negotiation does not work; as the last bullet in the revolver. And I don’t think I should remind you that anal sex is prohibited in islam. You don’t really mean it when you say you’re going to anally rape her daughter, it’s just a fake threat, get it?

This was supposed to be a great threat. There is no father in this would that want to look at a picture of some young, hairy dude having anal sex with his precious princess.

On a second thought, just forget about that line. It will never work. You marry to make family members, not enemies.

Oh man, this is such a fucked up entry. I’m really sorry for the language. I really should be focusing on finding a job right now. Forget what I said. I promise to be more sensitive.

p/s:cock blocker: A person (male or female) who intentionally or unintentionally disrupts (block) a guy from getting some punani.