Monday, May 12, 2008

My Unlucky Day: Pretty Bob-Hair Girl

Woke up this morning feeling like I’ve just survived a horrible train accident with all my internal organs intact. My head hurts as the world is spinning around and around like a merry-go-round and I’m still sleepy like pak lah in the parliament.

Tried to open my eyes to see the phone clock. Damn it, it’s already 0800 hours! And it’s like 15 degrees inside my room. Then I took a quick look into my pants. Damn it, now I have to mandi wajib! The consequences of skipping weekly practice sessions!

I’m late! Well, I’m not late yet, but I am going to be if I don’t get up quick. I couldn’t walk straight as I was reaching for my toothbrush in the bathroom; I almost slipped and could’ve hit the sink. Thank god for the brand new, slip-free pink shower matt. I couldn’t hold it any longer so I took a long, warm piss on the shower matt while I brush my teeth. What an incredible feeling.

Turned the shower on while I’m checking out my a-little-bit-obese -although -still-look- heterosexually- awesome-physique. And there’s no warm water coming out! I tried countless of times but in vain. I can’t take a cold shower, it’s still freaking cold outside!

So I gave up on the shower and just wash my hair and face in the sink. I’m going to call the plumber after class to fix the shower problem; in the mean time, I gotta hurry up. My armpit still smells ok, so I just put some deodorant there. Take a smell of my armpit for the second round; man I smell like a very masculine flower. Awesome!

Turned on the tv to watch the morning news while I’m finishing my glass of milk. What a way to start a day by watching the morning news about (another) psychopathic high school kid slaughtering his 4 family members. And the family dog. With a fucking hammer and a butcher knife. Nice. You know what they say: You can't have slaughter without laughter. Ha Ha Ha. Oooo.....

Suddenly, my stomach sings the sweet whisper of nature, signalling: “I gotta take a shit”. If I take a shit (or crap, which ever you prefer to call it) now, I’d surely be late for class! Oh, no! I’m left with a hard decision here. Take the shit and be late for class, or just hold on to it and be right on time. Hard decisions have to be made. My class starts in 5 minutes so I don’t really have much time to decide; I gotta run. Got on the bike and rushed to the university as fast as I could. The cold morning breeze come brushing my cheeks as I listen to some 80’s malay slow-rock on my creative zen.

I arrived 3 minutes late. That ain’t so bad. I put on my quick feet and rushed to the classroom; just to found it full of emptiness. There was no one in there. No skinny tall Japanese kids with fake blonde hair, no poker faced geeks with the same facial expression (that is NO facial expression) in their group talking about virtual 3D anime girls with a pair of HUGE, enormous sets of… eyes! You thought that I’m gonna say tits, aren’t ‘ya? Perverts!

Anyways, the class was cancelled, for the whole month! Now I’m kinda pissed. I wouldn’t have to wake up such early in the morning if they had put a notice or something last week. Adoih, pasni mesti nak kena hadir kelas ganti; probably at odd hours!


Having no purpose in life for a moment, I decided to get a hot coffee from the university’s mini-market. That’s 120yen a can. Rm3.7 for a can of hot coffee, ridiculous ain’t it?

Picked up a can of boss rainbow mountain coffee and waited in line. I was repositioning my little beast of manliness when I realized that the girl that was standing in line right in front of me was the bob-hair girl that I mentioned in my previous post long ago! And it's happening again, exactly like the first time! Fate, this must be it!

I quickly took my hands off my precious rod of steel and try to look more civilized. Oh man, she hasn’t changed one bit; still as pretty as I first saw her. She was wearing a light-brown one-piece camisole dress and a matching tropical-themed necklace. I can’t stop looking at this beautiful creature, with my mouth open. Alicia Keys – A Women’s Worth.

She puts on the same round bob-hairstyle (which I like very much), revealing her beautiful neck line. She smells hygienic and nice too. I leaned forward to smell her more. It felt like I’m in a garden full of flowers and that time is slowing down to the milliseconds. I watch her with much adore as her gentle hands were busy searching for coins in her big pouch. Roy Orbison – Oh Pretty Women.

Here is how Albert Einstein used to describe his theory of time relativity: "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”

Contrary to Einstein's explanation of his theory of time relativity, standing behind this girl while smelling her sweet perfume has an effect of motion slowing against time; at least in my intoxicated mind. This phenomenon seemed more mysterious then the famous time relativity theories itself. My apologies Mr. Einstein.

Her every movement, the slightest motion, even the flow of her blood and the rubbing between the joints in her bones seemed so translucent and stuck in time. As I watch her move in slow-motion, suddenly she turned her head, noticing me gawking at her. Shit, I must’ve scared her! But her eyes gave me the friendliest smile as the corner of her gummy lips turned upwards to create the sweetest form of the human body language. Then she turned away, and left; leaving her sweet smelling scent and the aura of a person with a warm personality behind, boggling my mind and creating a sensual chemical reactions in my brain.

I knew it. She's wearing some voodoo shit.

Then I have decided. I have to know her name. I have to know what her friends call her. I want to know her interests. Her likes and dislikes. I want to know which ice-cream flavour she prefers: chocolate or vanilla. I want to know what she thinks about guys with no chest hair. Which gaming console is better in her eyes: PS3 or the Xbox 360. I’m not going to ask her about the Nintendo Wii. I want to know everything about this girl.

I will build up the courage and actually walk up to her, and strike a natural conversation; and we are going to talk about normal stuff and I am not going to freak her out with my weirdness. I will get her name and hopefully, her approval to be someone that she knows; not just a stranger, on that very same day. The Smashing Pumpkins – Ava Adore.

Then I should smell her feet.

I used to know this very kawaii Japanese girl that has the sweetest voice, but her foot smells like dead, rotten fish, I’m not kidding; it's crazy! What a turn off. Now you know why I have to smell her feet. I don't like girls with smelly feet.

I took a deep breath, and quickly rushed out of the mini-market to catch up with her as I saw her walking towards her friends. She looked lovely even from behind. The ribbon on the back of her camisole wiggles. Approach anxiety is creeping up my neck. I’m not going to wait until she’s all alone, I’m going to go in there, open the group and have a fun conversation with them. As I befriend her friends, I’m going to display a higher value to fish for attraction and then I’ll be able to close on her. Bait, put her on my hook, release and repeat the process until I build enough comfort. Come on Taufiq Ali, you’re a pre-historic alpha-male, hunting for a mate to replicate. You can do this!

All of this stuff is running back and forth in my mind as I walk towards her group of friends. Somehow they noticed me coming, so I smiled at them so that it wouldn’t look like I’m stalking them in a creepy way. They smiled back. I was close. The game is about to begin. I’m going to get to smell her feet. My heart is racing. Marylin Manson - This Is The New Shit.

As I was about to open my mouth to run an opener, the most unthinkable of all things happened. My feet came into a sudden stop, the hair on both of my arms stood up and it was inevitable; I had a horrible stomach ache like a freak accident; and then I realized on that moment that I should forget about her phone number; and start to find a toilet as fast as I could. Damn it, I should have chosen to take the shit this morning! I knew it. It is always better to choose shit then class. Damn it!

I have neglected the call of mother nature to take a huge dump, and I'm paying the high price for that. Shitting is serious business, don't take it lightly, my dear readers.

With me smiling like an idiot, I walk past them and went straight to the toilet near my research lab. Damn you shit, if it wasn’t because of you, I could’ve gotten her name! Now I look like a loser and scared shitless to approach women.

So I sat on the warm toilet seat, and I shat all of my frustration away. My anxiety, my frustration, my missing luck; and I shat long, I shat hard. It must be the longest shitting experience that I’ve ever had for a long time. Plop. Plup. Plooooppppp!!!!

I shat like I shat all of my internal organs out. I set the toilet to spray washlet water at the highest level from the get go, just to feel the sudden rush and to shock my senses. I need the butt shocker. Slipknot – People = Shit.

It was such a tiring activity. Then I thought to myself, “ Hey, why don’t I took a picture of myself being frustrated and tired of shitting? I should cherish this memory! “.


So I guess today is another boring ordinary day. Except for the pretty bob-hair girl and my shit. Although it was pretty frustrating, there is a small part of me that is being thankful that I got to see her again. When there's a second time, there's going to be a third, and a forth and so on! Oh well, I’m gonna stop writing and get back to finishing grand theft auto IV. I’m like 40% into completing the game. Game on baby!

Note: I guess the name of her hair style is a rounded bob with bangs. Similar to the picture below:


Teladan untuk hari ini: Pastikan anda berak dulu puas2 sebelum pegi ngorat awek jepun.

2 comments:

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