My Unlucky Day: Pretty Bob-Hair Girl

Woke up this morning feeling like I’ve just survived a horrible train accident with all my internal organs intact. My head hurts as the world is spinning around and around like a merry-go-round and I’m still sleepy like pak lah in the parliament.

Tried to open my eyes to see the phone clock. Damn it, it’s already 0800 hours! And it’s like 15 degrees inside my room. Then I took a quick look into my pants. Damn it, now I have to mandi wajib! The consequences of skipping weekly practice sessions!

I’m late! Well, I’m not late yet, but I am going to be if I don’t get up quick. I couldn’t walk straight as I was reaching for my toothbrush in the bathroom; I almost slipped and could’ve hit the sink. Thank god for the brand new, slip-free pink shower matt. I couldn’t hold it any longer so I took a long, warm piss on the shower matt while I brush my teeth. What an incredible feeling.

Turned the shower on while I’m checking out my a-little-bit-obese -although -still-look- heterosexually- awesome-physique. And there’s no warm water coming out! I tried countless of times but in vain. I can’t take a cold shower, it’s still freaking cold outside!

So I gave up on the shower and just wash my hair and face in the sink. I’m going to call the plumber after class to fix the shower problem; in the mean time, I gotta hurry up. My armpit still smells ok, so I just put some deodorant there. Take a smell of my armpit for the second round; man I smell like a very masculine flower. Awesome!

Turned on the tv to watch the morning news while I’m finishing my glass of milk. What a way to start a day by watching the morning news about (another) psychopathic high school kid slaughtering his 4 family members. And the family dog. With a fucking hammer and a butcher knife. Nice. You know what they say: You can't have slaughter without laughter. Ha Ha Ha. Oooo.....

Suddenly, my stomach sings the sweet whisper of nature, signalling: “I gotta take a shit”. If I take a shit (or crap, which ever you prefer to call it) now, I’d surely be late for class! Oh, no! I’m left with a hard decision here. Take the shit and be late for class, or just hold on to it and be right on time. Hard decisions have to be made. My class starts in 5 minutes so I don’t really have much time to decide; I gotta run. Got on the bike and rushed to the university as fast as I could. The cold morning breeze come brushing my cheeks as I listen to some 80’s malay slow-rock on my creative zen.

I arrived 3 minutes late. That ain’t so bad. I put on my quick feet and rushed to the classroom; just to found it full of emptiness. There was no one in there. No skinny tall Japanese kids with fake blonde hair, no poker faced geeks with the same facial expression (that is NO facial expression) in their group talking about virtual 3D anime girls with a pair of HUGE, enormous sets of… eyes! You thought that I’m gonna say tits, aren’t ‘ya? Perverts!

Anyways, the class was cancelled, for the whole month! Now I’m kinda pissed. I wouldn’t have to wake up such early in the morning if they had put a notice or something last week. Adoih, pasni mesti nak kena hadir kelas ganti; probably at odd hours!


Having no purpose in life for a moment, I decided to get a hot coffee from the university’s mini-market. That’s 120yen a can. Rm3.7 for a can of hot coffee, ridiculous ain’t it?

Picked up a can of boss rainbow mountain coffee and waited in line. I was repositioning my little beast of manliness when I realized that the girl that was standing in line right in front of me was the bob-hair girl that I mentioned in my previous post long ago! And it's happening again, exactly like the first time! Fate, this must be it!

I quickly took my hands off my precious rod of steel and try to look more civilized. Oh man, she hasn’t changed one bit; still as pretty as I first saw her. She was wearing a light-brown one-piece camisole dress and a matching tropical-themed necklace. I can’t stop looking at this beautiful creature, with my mouth open. Alicia Keys – A Women’s Worth.

She puts on the same round bob-hairstyle (which I like very much), revealing her beautiful neck line. She smells hygienic and nice too. I leaned forward to smell her more. It felt like I’m in a garden full of flowers and that time is slowing down to the milliseconds. I watch her with much adore as her gentle hands were busy searching for coins in her big pouch. Roy Orbison – Oh Pretty Women.

Here is how Albert Einstein used to describe his theory of time relativity: "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”

Contrary to Einstein's explanation of his theory of time relativity, standing behind this girl while smelling her sweet perfume has an effect of motion slowing against time; at least in my intoxicated mind. This phenomenon seemed more mysterious then the famous time relativity theories itself. My apologies Mr. Einstein.

Her every movement, the slightest motion, even the flow of her blood and the rubbing between the joints in her bones seemed so translucent and stuck in time. As I watch her move in slow-motion, suddenly she turned her head, noticing me gawking at her. Shit, I must’ve scared her! But her eyes gave me the friendliest smile as the corner of her gummy lips turned upwards to create the sweetest form of the human body language. Then she turned away, and left; leaving her sweet smelling scent and the aura of a person with a warm personality behind, boggling my mind and creating a sensual chemical reactions in my brain.

I knew it. She's wearing some voodoo shit.

Then I have decided. I have to know her name. I have to know what her friends call her. I want to know her interests. Her likes and dislikes. I want to know which ice-cream flavour she prefers: chocolate or vanilla. I want to know what she thinks about guys with no chest hair. Which gaming console is better in her eyes: PS3 or the Xbox 360. I’m not going to ask her about the Nintendo Wii. I want to know everything about this girl.

I will build up the courage and actually walk up to her, and strike a natural conversation; and we are going to talk about normal stuff and I am not going to freak her out with my weirdness. I will get her name and hopefully, her approval to be someone that she knows; not just a stranger, on that very same day. The Smashing Pumpkins – Ava Adore.

Then I should smell her feet.

I used to know this very kawaii Japanese girl that has the sweetest voice, but her foot smells like dead, rotten fish, I’m not kidding; it's crazy! What a turn off. Now you know why I have to smell her feet. I don't like girls with smelly feet.

I took a deep breath, and quickly rushed out of the mini-market to catch up with her as I saw her walking towards her friends. She looked lovely even from behind. The ribbon on the back of her camisole wiggles. Approach anxiety is creeping up my neck. I’m not going to wait until she’s all alone, I’m going to go in there, open the group and have a fun conversation with them. As I befriend her friends, I’m going to display a higher value to fish for attraction and then I’ll be able to close on her. Bait, put her on my hook, release and repeat the process until I build enough comfort. Come on Taufiq Ali, you’re a pre-historic alpha-male, hunting for a mate to replicate. You can do this!

All of this stuff is running back and forth in my mind as I walk towards her group of friends. Somehow they noticed me coming, so I smiled at them so that it wouldn’t look like I’m stalking them in a creepy way. They smiled back. I was close. The game is about to begin. I’m going to get to smell her feet. My heart is racing. Marylin Manson - This Is The New Shit.

As I was about to open my mouth to run an opener, the most unthinkable of all things happened. My feet came into a sudden stop, the hair on both of my arms stood up and it was inevitable; I had a horrible stomach ache like a freak accident; and then I realized on that moment that I should forget about her phone number; and start to find a toilet as fast as I could. Damn it, I should have chosen to take the shit this morning! I knew it. It is always better to choose shit then class. Damn it!

I have neglected the call of mother nature to take a huge dump, and I'm paying the high price for that. Shitting is serious business, don't take it lightly, my dear readers.

With me smiling like an idiot, I walk past them and went straight to the toilet near my research lab. Damn you shit, if it wasn’t because of you, I could’ve gotten her name! Now I look like a loser and scared shitless to approach women.

So I sat on the warm toilet seat, and I shat all of my frustration away. My anxiety, my frustration, my missing luck; and I shat long, I shat hard. It must be the longest shitting experience that I’ve ever had for a long time. Plop. Plup. Plooooppppp!!!!

I shat like I shat all of my internal organs out. I set the toilet to spray washlet water at the highest level from the get go, just to feel the sudden rush and to shock my senses. I need the butt shocker. Slipknot – People = Shit.

It was such a tiring activity. Then I thought to myself, “ Hey, why don’t I took a picture of myself being frustrated and tired of shitting? I should cherish this memory! “.


So I guess today is another boring ordinary day. Except for the pretty bob-hair girl and my shit. Although it was pretty frustrating, there is a small part of me that is being thankful that I got to see her again. When there's a second time, there's going to be a third, and a forth and so on! Oh well, I’m gonna stop writing and get back to finishing grand theft auto IV. I’m like 40% into completing the game. Game on baby!

Note: I guess the name of her hair style is a rounded bob with bangs. Similar to the picture below:


Teladan untuk hari ini: Pastikan anda berak dulu puas2 sebelum pegi ngorat awek jepun.

first ski experience! スキー初体験！

It’s almost 5 years since I first set foot on Japanese soil, and before last week, I’ve never skied before! So last week, about 10 days ago, I joined the university’s ski tour to ski for the first time in my life! I’ve snowboarded before (like 2-4 times a year) but never tried ski so was very excited and looking forward to this trip.

The trip was targeted to foreign student who had no ski experience whatsoever so it was the perfect trip for me.


It was a two hours trip from the university to the tazawako ski sports facility, the place where we’re going to stay and consume food. Talking about food… let’s just say that it was not the best they could offer.


After taking our first meal, I went to the powder room. To take a shit. And then I was surprised with the toilets they have in the facility. Of course it had the normal warmed seat, jet-water and all; the weirdest thing about the toilet, as seen on the picture above is that it has a button in which if you push it, the toilet seat would make an artificial flushing sound. At first I really don’t understand why the genius Japanese toilet makers would create such functions. Then I used my knowledge of Japanese culture and ways of thinking to solve this mystery.

Let me explain it to you in detail here. See, the Japanese are very polite and don’t want to cause you any unpleasant feelings. Remember this mentality. Then I would like you to imagine yourself shitting a huge pile of shit one day, and the toilet cubicle at both sides are also occupied with people who probably would shit a huge pile of shit too. If you would shit a huge, long, hard human faeces and drop it into the toilet, it would surely make a loud splash sound, a ‘plup’ sound, whatever. This distinct sound is quite embarrassing; so if you are a true Japanese, you would flush the water in just milliseconds before the huge, long, hard shit starts coming out of the hole of you arse and touching the water below. Are you following me? The sound of the flushing water would sort of ‘cover’ the sound of your huge, long, hard shit dropping into the toilet hole. People were doing it since the introduction of western toilets, I guess.

But with the rise of awareness to save water to help with the global warming, this practice seemed very unreasonable because you are wasting water. If you used this method, you would have to flush two times! Oh what a waste! So the brilliant guys at the toilet companies made a remarkable invention: put a button that actives the sound of flushing water! Now, no matter how big, how long and how hard you shit is, you will never have to waste water to cover the sound of your humongous shit dropping into the water. If you felt like the tip of your long, hard shit is just about to come out of your arsehole, just push the button and you are safe from the embarrassment of the sound of your own shit. Man, this kind of invention made me love the Japanese more!

I think even if you’re shitting messy; I mean like diarrhoea-kind of messiness, you could also use the button to cover the sound of shit spraying out of your butt.


Enough about the toilet already! After having some quality time at the powder room, we were told to strap on our ski gear because we’re taking our first ski lesson! Then we were separated into groups; with my groups consisting of 2 malaysians and 3 koreans. The 5 of us had not skied before so everyone looked like a idiot trying to balance themselves for the first time while slowly trying to learn how to break and turn. It was a great lesson and I think I’ve picked it up quite fast, unlike when I first learned how to snowboard. Now I know, snowboarding is a lot harder than skiing.


Skied for 3 hours and that’s enough for the day. I was quite tired after the lesson so I ate like a the fat kid on tv. Then later into the night, they had arranged a little ‘japanese winter’ event for us. First, we were tasked to draw/spray images onto these blocks of flatten snow. We were tasked to draw an image with the theme: Japanese Spring. it took us like 30 minutes and honestly, it was one of the ugliest drawings on a flattened snow that I have ever seen in my entire life. I think our group is kinda retarded. Then I looked at the drawings of the other teams. Thank GOD, they’re far worse.


Then we were tasked to dig holes on walls of pressured snow; holes big enough to fit a candle. Then we put candles into those holes and light it up. The end result is quite amazing, considering how retarded we are. Everyone said it was pretty. I was saying lets get inside I’m freezing my arse out here. Before going to bed, I went into the ofuro (hot spring) to get myself hot and went to sleep like a big baby. Ok, a gorilla baby.

The next morning, I went to the ofuro again; it was awesome! I really like hot springs, it makes your body warm and relaxed. The only negative thing about it is that you have to be fully naked to be able to go inside. I am quite shy when it comes to showing my own dick to strangers, so I always cover my little brother with a small towel, baring my arse for all to see of course.
You see, being a foreigner and also shy to show your penis to the public, it was quite hard. You want to know why? Well, it’s because the Japanese were also very curious people. They want to know. How big/small is the dick of a foreigner? I once went into a traditional hot spring in Nagano with a Nigerian friend, and everyone in the place was looking at the African guy. The Nigerian is not like me; he is not afraid to show his penis to the public. And I think I know why. If an innocent Japanese school girl accidentally saw his penis, she would run away because she might think that she had seen an amazon anaconda. You got the picture. If that guy chooses to work in the Japanese adult entertainment industry as a porn star, I’m sure he’s going to the very top. Yeah.

Enough with huge dicks and ofuro; the next morning, we went out again for the second time. This time, it’s not training anymore; we’re going to get on the lift so that we could start skiing from the top of the mountain. Although I’ve done this many times before, having ski gear at your feet instead of a snowboard does made the experience fresh. There was a slight rush of fear while I was going up the hills because the cable lift were constantly shaking up and down, left to right. I looked down and thought: man if I fall down, I might as well zip down and show my freezing penis to the whole world because I won’t survive the fall.

The moment of truth has cometh upon me. Everyone was on the top of the hill and was waiting to go down. This is the time to use those braking and turning techniques that we learned and practiced yesterday! One by one, the foreign student goes down. A lot of them fell down; one hit a tree and only a few stays standing on their feet. I was glad my training paid off!

The sense of speed rushing onto my face boils me excited, so I went up again to do it all over again. It was fun. After a couple of hours of skiing, the ski instructors told us to go down for the last time because we don’t have anymore time.


Then the inevitable group photo time comes. We took lots of photos, congratulate each other for a small achievement and went back to our staying place for the last lunch and to prepare to go home.

All in all, it was a great weekend. This is what I call a weekend well spent! I never thought that skiing was this fun! But I have to be honest, snowboarding is way cooler, so I ain’t skiing anymore yahoo !!! I want to snowboard !!!